How to De Fang a Toxic Boss

By Richard S. Gallagher

How many people out there hate their bosses? And how many have the luxury of simply voting with their feet, and leaving? Everyone faces a toxic boss at some point in their career and must quickly learn how to de-fang.

Toxic bosses are often energy vampires who drain our morale, creativity and productivity. Ironically, they often feel they are doing the right thing in the process. So when you react to them, you get dragged into a tug-of-war that too often leads to a one-way ticket out the door. It's a lose-lose situation for everyone.

At the same time, the right communications skills can provide a great antidote to these toxic bosses. Here's how:

Learn how your boss sees the world. Does your boss go to bed every night dreaming of new ways to be mean and cruel? If he does, it's time to leave, however, the reality is that most toxic bosses simply have a warped view of managing people. What you see as criticism, they see as "holding people accountable. " What you see as politics, they see as "motivating people to perform." And what you think is pointless nastiness is, in their mind, "avoiding a country-club atmosphere where people slack off."

So how do you learn what's behind their snarkiness? Simple: You ask them. Here are some examples of questions you might use:

- "What would the ideal department look like for you?"

- "What kinds of things frustrate you about our team?"

- "What would be the single biggest thing I could do better this year?"

Validate the boss's view of the world. This part feels like sucking on a lemon for most people, but it is the key to changing your boss's toxic behavior. (When was the last time you responded positively to criticism?) Here you are not out to agree with your boss or "kiss up" to her. Your goal is to make it clear you understand her, so that she will then listen to you. Try these on for size:

Tillie Toxic: "I wish people would stop slacking off and get to work around here."

You: "Good point, it is frustrating when people don't perform like you wish they did."

Peter Picky: "You never do this task right."

You: "I don't want you to settle for less than the best. Let's discuss this."

Does it feel funny to say things like these to a boss who acts like Darth Vader? Of course it does. But when you say them, you accomplish something extremely valuable: You create a safe space to start talking about changing the boss's intimidating ways.

Offer an alternative. Here is where you close in for the kill. Offer your boss what he wants, while presenting him with a neutral, factual way to get there -- by treating you better! Here's one example:

"I want to give you everything you want in the future. At the same time, I find it difficult to do that when I am constantly criticized. It makes it harder for me to do my best. Where could we go from here?"

Now you are in productive dialogue, and can start negotiating a win-win solution as adults. Remember that you have to use facts and not feelings here. Telling your boss to "share performance expectations" or "talk to me first before you criticize my work" is OK, but asking him to "stop being a jerk" is provocative, not to mention unclear.

With the right words, you can often achieve what seems impossible: Get your toxic boss to change, using a painless conversation that never puts him or her on the defensive. In the process, you will gain interpersonal and leadership skills that will stick with you for the rest of your life.

5 Ways to Get Better Compensation

By Anthony Balderrama

As you're undoubtedly aware, businesses are operating with caution these days and watching their bottom lines more closely than ever. Accordingly, employees are feeling the pinch. Expect lean operations to continue for a while longer, but don't assume you have no chance of receiving a salary boost.

Whether you're already employed or negotiating a job offer, all hope for bumping up your compensation is not lost. With the right amount of flexibility and good timing, you can end up getting what you want.

Prove your worth
Don't expect to earn a hefty paycheck based on your merits if you have no proof of your accomplishments. Specificity is the best friend of job seekers and employees. When budgets are already tight, employers won't be willing to hand out more cash than necessary. Businesses are always trying to do more with less, but these days they are forced to.

If you're already employed, your boss might not notice your accomplishments. Smooth operations mean no hiccups or need for finger-pointing; therefore your good work might go unnoticed. You should be able to list specific achievements during your time at the company to be a reminder of your accomplishments. Did you increase sales, make operations more efficient or receive positive feedback from clients? If so, have proof and use it. Quantifiable numbers and direct quotes make a better case than pretty phrases.

For job seekers, the story is the same, except your highlights should span your career. A strong track record throughout your work history gives a hiring manager good reason to expect more from you ... and do more for you.

Know the market
Although you might think you're worth a seven-figure salary, your boss isn't likely to agree, so don't walk into negotiations thinking you can start at $1 million in order to negotiate your way to an $80,000 salary. Your boss probably knows how much other workers in similar positions earn and so should you. Go to salary sites, such as SalaryExpert. com, and see what the standard rate is for your job title in your city or across the country. Putting your salary in context gives you realistic expectations and helps you bargain effectively.

Ask for a six-month review
Sometimes, getting more money right now is not an option. Your boss or hiring manager might not have the authority to negotiate higher salaries for anyone if the budget is frozen. In that case, you can ask to revisit the topic in six months when the company's financial situation could be better.

The other advantage of having a review down the road is that you have six months (or however long) to make good on your promises. All those specific achievements you highlighted are good talk, but this is your last chance to put your words into action. As frustrating as working hard with no financial bonus can be, stay motivated by the idea that you might get an even better reward at the review.

Ask at the right time
Even if you know your worth and have the facts to prove it, you won't get any more money if you don't ask for it. If the company's in the middle of a financial crisis and half of your department's been laid off, however, you might want to wait awhile. Ask at the wrong time and not only will you not receive more money, but your boss will wonder if you're paying attention to your surroundings or if you even care about the company's welfare. If you work in an industry that's still booming and your company's thriving, then you can broach the subject.

Think outside the box
Bosses love to challenge their employees to "think outside the box." When you're looking to stretch your paycheck this year, don't forget the nonmonetary perks. Frozen company budgets might not thaw much this year or at least not for a few more months, so why not negotiate other benefits?

Employers might be willing to offer more vacation time, flexible work hours or the ability to work from home now and then. Logging on to your computer from home means you're still doing your work, but you didn't pay a dime in transportation or lose any time commuting. The numbers on your paycheck might not change, but how you spend those dollars and hours can improve.

Saying No to Your Boss

By Rachel Zupek

When you think back to your childhood and your mom said, "We'll see," it was always better than a flat out, "No." Much like "possibly" is sufficient when you ask your boss for time off and "I'll think about it" gives you hope when you ask for a raise.

Though all of these responses are really just a more polite version of "no," they're easier to hear than the actual word itself. While hearing "no" is hard enough, it seems that saying no is even more difficult for some people -- especially when it comes to their boss.

"Most employees avoid saying no to their boss because they fear it will ruin their relationship, cost them their job or appear disrespectful, " says Joseph Grenny, co-author of "Crucial Conversations. " "With the right set of skills, it is possible to be 100 percent candid and respectful when holding this important conversation. "

The reality is, we can't say to yes to everything, so it's essential to position yourself in the best way possible if and when you have to say no at work. The trick, experts say, is not really what you say, but how you say it.

"Many of us won't say the word because we are afraid to, especially in this economy," says Mary Byers, author of "How to Say No ... And Live to Tell About It." "It's easier to say no at work if you don't actually use the word. That way, your boss won't feel like you're being insubordinate. "

Elisabeth Manning, a human potential coach, recalls a time when she was an assistant to the president of a major company. The president wanted to make Manning her marketing manager at the same time -- and the same salary.

Manning, who knew that she would have too much on her plate if she accepted working both jobs, told her boss that she wanted to maximize her capacity for potential at the company and accepting the offer would not be the best, most efficient use of her time.

"I was neutral, not emotional and held my ground," Manning says. "I spoke as if it were already a done deal, without fear."

Here are five situations where you might find yourself needing (and wanting) to say no at work and how you can do so tactfully -- and without losing your job.

How to say no to ...
Your boss assigning you too much work

It can be tough to tell your boss you have a problem with the amount of work he or she is assigning you, but it's possible if you can make your boss feel safe, Grenny says. Start with facts instead of harsh judgments or vague conclusions and let your boss know you care about his interests and respect him, he says.

"Strip out any judgmental or provocative language and be specific," Grenny says. "For example, 'Last week, you gave me two large projects to finish in a very short amount of time and I had to complete these on top of my regular responsibilities. I am afraid my large workload might be affecting the quality of my work.'"

Outrageous demands

If your boss asks you to do something like run his errands or work all weekend and you can't (or don't feel like you should have to), focus on what you can do, says Susan Fletcher, a psychologist, author and speaker.

"The next time your boss asks you to go pick up his or her dry cleaning, instead of saying no, say, 'What I can do is cover your phone calls for you while you are out of the office,'" Fletcher suggests. "Or if your boss asks you to start up a new company initiative, instead of saying no, say, 'What I can do is brainstorm with you on the strategy for the initiative and help get the proper team members in place who can execute the strategy."

Something you honestly can't do

Of course, it's always good to learn new skills, but if you truly believe you aren't the best person for the job, you should say no. Byers suggests responding with something like, "Is there another department where this project might fit better, or someone we can collaborate with?"

"If you know you don't have the necessary time, resources or knowledge for a given project, this is a good way to open dialogue about the best way to get an assignment done," she says.

Unrealistic deadlines

If you frame your response in a way that helps your boss to rethink his request, you'll be OK, says Beth Sears, president of Workplace Communication.

Be aware of your tone of voice and try something like, "I understand your need for this assignment to be completed, but I need some help prioritizing my other work. You requested me to complete 'A' by tomorrow, 'B' by Thursday and 'C' by Friday. This last assignment 'D' would make it impossible to accomplish all of these. How would you prioritize these tasks?" Sears suggests.

Anything illegal, unethical or that crosses personal boundaries

Say no to anything that will you get into trouble if you say yes. Meaning, if something will be detrimental to your career or goes against your integrity, you should always say no.

Jennifer Bergeron, an HR training specialist, recently said no to one of her bosses who asked her to lie to her direct manager.

"I said, 'I'm not comfortable doing that, because the result will be [X, Y and Z]. Please don't ask me to ever lie to someone," Bergeron says. "He said, 'OK, you're right. I didn't realize all that was going on.'"